A letter to (not) you

Hey,
I’ve typed out and deleted around 20 odd emails like this one before. I don’t see a different fate for this one either. Still this typing and deleting it helps me calm down even for a bit.

When does a person become our friend? Is it when we go out together and have a ton of fun? Is it when we hate the same person? Is it because we like the same books and movies? Is it when we talk about said movies for hours on end? Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment two people realised that they are friends? Can anyone tell me when they first thought of me as a friend? I know I can’t.

But I can tell you when someone made me feel like their friend. I can tell you what I felt at that moment, how happy I felt. I can tell you about the first time I answered the question “Who is your best friend?” with your name. I can tell you how I felt all warm and fuzzy when I said your name. There have been a million moments like that and in one of those moments I came to a realisation ‘ this is my best friend’.

I don’t know if you know this, you are the first person I think of calling when something funny happens, you are the person I wanna call when my day’s not going well. I’d rather talk to you than to a lot of people I don’t know that well. Why is that? I have wondered about that myself. Is it because you are a good person? (You are I won’t deny it) I can’t say it’s because of any of your amazing qualities. It’s because of how you made me feel. Important, comfortable, fun and most importantly you made me feel like a good person.

I miss that now. I miss how we used to be. And no matter how long ago it happened I can’t help but wish things were back to normal. Thinking about you brings a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I wish that stops soon, it ruins all the beautiful memories I have of you.

I don’t know when or why we became friends. But I can tell you the exact moment we may have stopped being friends.

I know you won’t read this anyway so why bother deleting?
In the hopes that someday you might find this here and read it, in the hopes that you may remember all the fun, I am leaving this here.

Love ya loads.

This is definitely not about you.