The Void

I’ve tried telling myself that a lot of what I am dealing with is not my fault, but that doesn’t make it any less my problem. Even if someone else was the reason that I am at a point in life where nothing seems to make me happy, I am the one dealing with it. I am the one living day in and day out with this crappy sad existence. It’s like there’s a puzzle I am trying to build, but no matter what I do the center of it, is missing. There’s a void inside me. I keep trying to fill that void with things, people, money, books, laptop, iPad, friends, even tried writing and painting. No matter how hard I try, the void consumes everything. 

I have tried all the tricks in the books. I figured out pretty early on that people are not the answer to my problem considering people are the ones who bought this on. But I foolishly imagined it might be me. I was at peace for once. But like the calm before a storm that didn’t last long. Soon I found myself trying new things, writing, painting. I even consistently stuck to it. And it made me happy for some time. Everything seems to make me happy for some time. I tried to fill up the emptiness by talking to my friends. Guess what happens when you try to replace the emptiness you feel inside with a person? For one thing, it backfires. You would end up talking too much, being too attached, in the end at some point you realize that “it’s not them, it’s you”. That doesn’t mean I gave up on people. People were my favorite way to fill the void. Because unlike all the other people actually respond. Too bad they don’t last either. 

My next bright idea was eating chocolates. I knew it didn’t help me. But it gave me a happy vibe for a few hours and I took that deal. It was a bit like selling my soul to the devil. Only the devil was sweet. Then I went down a sad path of buying things I probably won’t use. Things made me happy when I opened the packaging, even the best things made me happy only for a few days. I don’t know if I am still over the whole buying phase yet, to be honest. Then I thought a degree would make me happy. Spoiler alert: It does add to the stress, other than that I’ve not noticed any change. Then there were the reading books like a maniac, buying a laptop which I couldn’t really afford, and the one I am currently doing, Netflix. Netflix is probably the worst. I just sit and watch it even when I don’t want to. Then I forget that I didn’t want to. 

Since all my plans to fill the void have gone so wrong and my life has almost ended up being an astrology prediction: Loss of fortune, loss of goodwill and reputation, and loss of money I am reassessing the situation. I have concluded the void can’t be filled with any one thing. But any of those things do seem to fill it up temporarily. So ideally I could use a combination of all those weekly so that none of those things lose the novelty. Then of course there’s the second option. I don’t do anything. The void is a part of me. I let it be and see where that gets me. Don’t get me wrong I want to have a better time. I really do, but I am also tired of fighting the void, of the constant need to fill up the emptiness. Maybe I don’t have to. Maybe this is who I am now. 

Does that mean I will feel sad and empty for the rest of my life? Maybe, maybe not but is all the energy trying to fill the void really worth it? I am guessing it is not. Maybe Nietzsche was right, “If you look long enough into the void, the void begins to look back through you.”